Crossing the line

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So I’m 42 and a half.

An eight-year old, a baby and a dog. A much spoilt, most beloved dog. She brings me peace. I will give her the world in return.

I think I’m happy.  It’s not where I saw myself but it’s where I’m at. I guess I should be where my friends are. Children growing up, getting to the point where you can start having a meaningful relationship with your husband again. Without the baby being sick or the four-year old sneaking downstairs after bedtime five times in a row.

Except I’m not – the bugger went and left me for someone else 6 years ago.
Such a cliché. Such a horrible time.

We have danced over the years, got back together and then he’s gone. Again. Somewhere in among the mess, we had a second child. A fresh start. Until he left.  Again.

He has treated me better than anyone ever has in my life, and treated me the worst.

I know what you’re thinking.
“Grow some balls. Divorce him”
But I can’t. Not yet. Maybe soon. Maybe never.
We don’t remain married for the children. We remain married for ourselves. Drawing a line in the sand may prove too much.

I am the first to defend him. He is the first to defend me.  He remains the person who can make me laugh till I feel sick.  I can make him laugh until he can’t breathe.

Despite all that murky water under the bridge, we still love each other. Hate too. But I don’t think he’s hating me. I think he’s hating himself. And that’s even sadder.  I did tell you I was the first to defend him.

As I sit here surveying the mess that we got into, one thing haunts me.
If he died tomorrow, would his family invite me to his funeral? And if they did, would I even go?

But I do know that I’d go and sit at his grave a few days later.

And I think we‘d talk.

And maybe then, we could do what we failed to do in this lifetime and put it behind us. And find our peace.

 

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7 thoughts on “Crossing the line

  1. indiaalove

    Should you ever divorce, I am availiable. Should you ‘remain together but wish to have a bit on the side…I am available.

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