I was always going to go back to work. I couldn’t imagine not working. It mostly works for us. My job involves travel. I decide the allocations and I’ve managed to avoid going abroad for a year. But now I am preparing to go abroad for a few days.
I know it will be fine, but in a very animal way, I want to hide away with my boy and snarl at anyone who comes near us. My work isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. How dare it take me away from my little creation, the most important thing in my world?
He will want breastfeeding before bed. He will shout mum (still quite new for him). I will not be there, nor tomorrow, nor the next day. How can this be a good thing?
But I do care about my work responsibilities. This is an important thing I am doing. It could make great differences.
I am horribly torn, but I have chosen work over my boy.
Does this make me a terrible mother? I know he’ll be fine. My husband is brilliant at coping with any upset. He’s been away for several long work trips. We coped. But it feels worse for me.
We are very much joint parents. In fact, he does more. This is the way we wanted it. I am the main earner. I like that we’re not obliged to follow the traditional roles and that I can work. So why does it feel worse for me?
I am lucky to have a job. I am incredibly lucky to not have to go away for months or years to support my family. I know this. I know they’ll be fine and in a few days, I’ll be home, safe and together.
But for now, it is hard.