A letter to my ex

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Hi D,

You were in my dream again. I’m staying in a hotel at the moment and the breakfast reminded me of you too. So many things do, all the time. Do you ever remember me? Are the memories all awful?

Sorry, I meant to keep this light, as you’d have said. But we did have some good times, didn’t we? We must have done. I wish we could reminisce like any other old friends. We had 12 years. It’s an awful lot to feel I’ve had to banish from my mind.

Sorry, I’m no good at this. Out of practice. We used to write letters to each other, before email. Do you remember those holidays when we were both in different countries? Your letters and the excitement of getting them was so wonderful. Irreplaceable. Oh dear, I need a moment.

Sorry. Anyway, 6 years now since I saw you! How did that happen? I never would have imagined it. I looked forward to getting together with you when older, to talk about how young and foolish we were in that past age. I don’t suppose we will now. I miss you so much. I miss the boy you were and I’d love to know the adult you are now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy now. I’m happy that you’re happy. It doesn’t hurt when I see your wife and son all over Facebook. I just wish we were friends. Just friends. I miss you so much.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I have no right to make emotional demands on you. I’m sorry if you’re angry with me. There’s so much I’m sorry for. But it wasn’t all my fault. I’ve grown up a lot now, I wish I could show you. I thought I was grown up then. But we were so very young.

Oh, my darling boy. I can’t say any of this to you. I might send a breezy “Hi! How are you?” But the emptiness of those communications is getting more painful than avoiding it all together.

But I miss you. I will always love the boy you were. So many wonderful memories. I just wish I felt permitted to remember them.

I hope you’re well and happy.

Love, me.

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One thought on “A letter to my ex

  1. gertiescott

    I really empathise with this post. It’s so strange to have somebody so significant in your life, who you miss but feel you should have no part in their life moving forward. I bet wherever D is, they have also penned you a letter at some point – if only in their mind xx

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