A deeper hurt


I can’t sleep. It’s been like this for days. The irrational upset that is keeping me awake, it won’t subside. Tonight is the worst, I’ve cried. I cried deep heavy tears of a heartbreak that is yet to come. I don’t want the day to come, if I could have one wish it would be to freeze time.

it’s that time if year when children are preparing to leave nursery to partake in their new journey of school. This is not a journey we are taking just yet, we will be partaking next summer. So why so sad? I can’t do it. I just can’t. My beautiful baby is growing to fast. 

I remember the day we looked around nursery, it was January 2012, big one had just started walking and I needed to think about my imminent return to work. The heavens were shining on us as there was no waiting list. They are based 2 minute drive from my work, and utterly fantastic. 

That first year of big ones life was not a happy time for me, I clung to my baby heartbroken from the missed times together and here we were looking for somebody who could love and care for him while I went into the world to help provide a home for him. How I was in turmoil over leaving him, but that day in January when I juggled him and my driving licence out of my purse to show who I was something lifted. 

There is something about nursery, I don’t know what, but it’s there. A feeling I had, a feeling of trust, care and love. It radiates from the building, I knew this was the place for my most precious being. 

So on 27th February 2012, at 12 months 18 days old my beautiful baby started his journey at nursery. He settled in so well, he was happy. We were all happy, we have never had any reason not to be happy. I felt safe and loved. It has become to feel like family, we aren’t just paying for him to be looked after. These are our friends now. 

And now now as I see his friends prepare to leave, one had their last day today, I feel that deepness of sorrow grinding away in my heart. I’m scared. 

I’m scared that he won’t love school like he loves nirsery

i’m scared he will miss his friends who will likely go to other schools. 

I’m scared he won’t make friends and feel lonely 

I’m scared of bullying

im scared that saying goodbye to the family of nursery will break his beautiful heart.

I dread that last day, I feel the tears every time I think about him saying goodbye. I just can’t let my baby grow. I know he will most likely be happy and love school. He will have lots if friends, but the fear creeps up. 

I need him. I love him with such an intensity that him growing is a giant fear. I’m scared of his childhood becoming like mine. I don’t want him to feel he cannot answer questions at school as he doesn’t want to look like he’s showing off because he knows. I don’t want people to say things that will hurt him, destroy his self esteem. 

But most importantly I don’t want to loose him. My favourite time of day is the morning when he gets up and comes straight to me for our morning cuddles. I dread that day when he no longer says ‘mummy my favourite thing is nuggles’ and I fear that school will be that first step towards my beautiful baby moving away from me. 

Please time. Stand still. 

I pray for a day when I look back and think I was being a fool, but I fear that day. I fear what we will go through to get there.

so in September when you see that crazy lady, crying and clinging onto the school hate not ready to leave her beautiful child tell her it’s all going to be fine. Hold her, let the tears fall down, but tell her she will always have her baby because I hope to god somebody will hold my hand to ease that pain 


7 thoughts on “A deeper hurt

  1. This is heartrending and terrifying. I wouldn’t worry about him having friends, if he’s anything like his mother, everyone will gravitate towards him. Just always make sure to pack a flapjack in his lunchbox.

  2. I feel exactly the same and we’re a year behind you.

    Mine is so friendly, running towards children excitedly everywhere we go, wanting to play with them. It makes me sad to think that he’s going to realise that not everyone is friendly.

    I am looking forward to talking to him as he gets earlier and finding out what he thinks of everything, but the time does go so very fast.

  3. mandymoo2

    My eldest is 12 and at high school now. Yes he’s still growing and changing but I’m enjoying seeing the man that he’s becoming.

    The dynamics in our relationship have changed through the years but he’s still my little baby and always will be. Despite these changes he still starts the day by climbing into my bed for a cuddle and ends it by giving me a kids goodnight. X

  4. gertiescott

    I was the same. It was a looming horror. Then it came, and by the time it came, she was ready. We haven’t looked back. I treasure the memories of our time together – but it was time xxx

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