It’s been 3 months since you died. 3 months. 1/4 of a year. 91 days. 2,191 hours. 231,487 minutes. 7,889,231 seconds. 3 months. That’s just Far. Too. Long.
Every one of those moments I have felt an ache inside me that is indescribable. It’s a physical pain like no other I have ever experienced. An emptiness and loneliness so tangible that it actually hurts. Deep inside. It’s like all my insides have been removed and in their place is a longing for you. A longing to see you one more time, a longing to hold you, to touch you, to speak to you, to love you. Just for one more moment.
I miss you in ways I could not have begun to imagine before you’d gone. It’s these weird ways, that I was completely unprepared for, that often reduce me to a crumbling wreck….like when I can’t find something and think “I’ll just ask……oh no, I can’t” Or when one of the boys are ill and I have to make a decision about what to do on my own. Or if I try to watch a TV programme and you’re not there to ask “who’s that guy?” Or “what’s happening?”
I also miss your physicality. Having someone to touch and hold. Having a kiss last thing at night or first thing in the morning. Having you stroke my hair or arm carelessly whilst we watched a movie. I miss brushing past you in the kitchen as we both busily went about the morning’s necessary jobs. I miss seeing you walk in through the front door after a day at work. I miss seeing your face, your smile, your eyes.
Most of all I miss your love. That unconditional, accepting love that no one else has offered me in quite the same way. The way you loved me just as much when I was sad as when I was happy. The way you continued to love me despite the many times I was grumpy or completely unreasonable. The love that knew all of my secrets and bad habits and didn’t love me despite them but because of them. The love that has seen me safely through the toughest moments of my life. The love that gave much more than it should have had to and asked for less than it deserved.
I also miss your love for other people and the world in general. You passion for those less fortunate than yourself, your commitment to helping others, your drive to do what you could to make the world a slightly better place. You were such a courageous, selfless, generous, thoughtful and loving person. The world is a worse place now you’re not in it. A world in which I feel utterly lost. A world where I am trapped inside a life which is all too familiar and yet completely alien. A world where something vital is now missing.
And yet despite the pain and loss I feel every second of every day, I still go on. I continue to live despite me sometimes feeling I cannot take another breath. I go on out of respect for your memory. I go on for the boys. I go on because that’s what you would want me to do. I go on in the strength that you have empowered me with for the last 11 years. And each day I thank God for letting me share that time with you. I truly did not deserve to have someone as remarkable as you in my life, let alone loving me the wary that you did.
As far as I am aware you have never heard this song but I played it at your cremation and again at the memorial service. I was introduced to it by one of my ‘pocket friends’ and it just seemed so fitting and I knew you would’ve liked it. It’s called “You’re gone” by Diamond Rio.