What if…

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We probably won’t have this opportunity again.

In Jan ’15 it will have been three years since we moved to the Far East. That’s a long time, however, we haven’t taken advantage of living here at all.

I rarely venture out of doors even though the weather is quite frankly magnificent, day in day out. Sure, there are bursts of rain during the monsoon season (Oct-April) which sounds long, but it rains perhaps twice a week, and within an hour of raining, the sun is so deliciously hot and intense that it’s all dry again.

Of course, it’s intensity and deliciousness is preferred from the safety of my air conditioned apartment (though I won’t deny it, I’m scolded severely for attempting to turn the children into hermits too).

I live in the Far East, the opportunity to travel is limitless, exotic locations people can only dream of and cry off due to distance, are a mere few hours away, yet, we haven’t travelled.

Perhaps it’s because we moved at a time when our little family is more intent on expanding….

I can’t help but think if we came here a few years earlier, when it was just the two of us….hmmm…. though I can barely remember a time before my children and even less of my time before I met Mr Foof, does that make me pathetic? Does it? If it does, I have no shame in saying I’m happy to be a pathetic mess.

For I am happy, it may not seem it, because I’m a certified grumpy grumpuss, but I *am* happy, so why would I yearn for a time when I was less so.

Anyway, I digress, where was I… Ah yes, travelling.. Perhaps if we moved here after we had had our children, or completed(!) our family, then I wouldn’t worry about travelling when pregnant or being fat and not having the get-up-and-go attitude, except to be honest, I’ll always blame everything but myself.

I could probably travel now. Yes, baby Foof is only a year old and will need chasing, watching and general seething at, but I could still do it, and therein lies the problem. I’m too big and lazy to run after her, so I blame time and circumstance instead.

If we had moved here when it was just the two of us: read, I was slimmer back then, able to actually shift myself from A to M…

If we had moved here after I was done having children: read, I’d probably have attempted to, and so shifted some of my weight, possibly being able to move from A to E…

If I wasn’t still in the process of expanding my family, yet trying to shrink my fat.

To be honest, I can always pepper my life with ‘ifs’ yet fundamentally it’s me who needs to change, not time, not circumstances…. Me.

When it come to the fight between being lazy and being industrious, I will always opt for being lazy.

So I convince myself that it’s the ‘what ifs’ that prevent me from living life, when really it’s just me.

I despise lying and cheating, but I can always, without fail, lie and cheat myself out of anything. It’s a good thing I only subject myself to this villainy, or is that another lie I tell myself.

Either way, I often make decision that ‘Enough is enough! I will fix this! I will do that!’

Except I don’t…

I don’t *fix* that…

I certainly don’t *do* anything…

However I keep the faith that one day I will.

Therefore ‘travelling’ or ‘adventure’ rather.. Well that will have to wait, but holidays… Now, those I might just be able to squeeze in.

What doesn’t need to wait, are the small changes, the baby steps towards making our small apartment a home. Even if it is after almost three years, it’s good enough for me (as an added bonus, it also meant I managed to clear out some junk and find some much needed space in my cupboards).

So for today, I’m happy that the cupboard under the sink looks fantastic and that I have more frames to put up.

Baby steps that will hopefully lead to shifting this post-baby weight and maybe some adventure after all.

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2 thoughts on “What if…

  1. Mrs Moo

    Life is far too short to spend it pondering what ifs. Go and grab hold of the future. You can make it what you want if to be xxx

  2. Oh yes, I know this feeling. Completely. In part I think if I really wanted to do these things then I would, so that I don’t means they don’t really matter. But I’m not convinced. I think you’re quite right. Small steps, small goals. And who knows where they might take you. I’m going to try to do the same. Well done!

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