We aren’t very good at this blogging thing….


So it’s becoming glaringly obvious that we aren’t all that cut out for blogging. But today, after a few months away from here I need a space. Somewhere I can voice a concern, somewhere I can let it all out and not need anybody to see it. I don’t need replies, advice or sympathy. I just need to let it all out.

big one is hurting, he is hurting badly and I have no idea how to help it stop.

he has recently started getting very upset that man shape is working and he doesn’t see him. Now this is nothing new, he has been doing this job since big one was tiny. But the past few weeks he has cried at bedtime because ma shape hasn’t said goodnight. Cried because it’s a ppi claim call not man shape on the phone. He is all of a sudden very upset that he is missing out on his beloved daddy.

It came to a head yesterday when he had an awful day at nursery. He was throwing, shouting, pulling hair and spitting because he told me on the way home he is so angry and so cross daddy is at work.

I was lucky that yesterday I could call man shape home to spend time today with big one. But that isn’t going to be possible all the time.

I just have no idea how to help him. How to get him to understand that hurting others doesn’t make things right.

I’ve spent my day furiously googling ideas on how to help him but everything is basically aimed at parents who won’t be returning, or seperated families. Everything I’ve read on anger doesn’t reflect what he is doing. I feel so lost.

I want to take that hurt away, I want him to understand that daddy loves him more than anything and always comes home and kisses him when he’s asleep. I want to have my baby back. I want my loving little boy who was always happy and kind. But I just don’t know how to get him back.

I sometimes wonder what I did wrong. Was I wrong to work? Should I have dedicated my life to parenting? Would he miss daddy if mummy was there all the time? If I didn’t have small one would he have been happier as the no wouldn’t have to spread my time. I know, I know it’s none of these things but here in the dark they come out.

I wish there was a quick fix. I wish there was something I could say or do just to make everything right. I’m scared. I’m scared that we will get to that point that nursery won’t take him any longer because the way he behaves. I hate the sympathetic smiles from other parents when I’m struggling with my beautiful baby boy and they just breeze past with their children. I just wish we were them. I want this nightmare to end. I need my baby back so much that it hurts.


Childcare for disabled children – reasonable adjustments and the right to ordinary lives



Childcare is a part of ordinary family lives. In the modern economy, parents need and are expected to work to support their families – or in the language of Every Child Matters and section 10 of the Children Act 2004, to make sure their children ‘achieve economic well-being’. There is also copious evidence of the benefits of high quality childcare to children’s social development and learning.

So childcare matters – and as the Equality and Human Rights Commission say (see link above) access to childcare is an issue of equality – both disability equality and gender equality given the uneven distribution of caring responsibilities between women and men. It is therefore profoundly depressing if entirely unsurprising that the recent Parliamentary Inquiry into childcare for disabled childrenfound that so many families with disabled children were simply unable to access any childcare – never mind high quality childcare that would meet…

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happy birthday


This summarised how I’m feeling as I approach 6 months tomorrow

Life as a Widower

How do hold onto something that’s gone?

How do make something that’s finished go on?

How do you get through the day pretending you’re fine?

How can you light candles that will no longer shine?

How do you smile about something that makes you feel sad?

How do you try to feel happy when you still feel so bad?

How do you begin to put aside all of your fears?

How do you get through the day without tears?

How do you think they’d recognise you now you’ve change so much?

How do you embrace someone you can no longer touch?

How do you put on face and say you’re okay?

How can you ever take this pain away?

How can we be us if you can’t be here?

How can I keep you close when you can’t be near?

How can I show you if you cannot see?


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