happy birthday

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This summarised how I’m feeling as I approach 6 months tomorrow

Life as a Widower

How do hold onto something that’s gone?

How do make something that’s finished go on?

How do you get through the day pretending you’re fine?

How can you light candles that will no longer shine?

How do you smile about something that makes you feel sad?

How do you try to feel happy when you still feel so bad?

How do you begin to put aside all of your fears?

How do you get through the day without tears?

How do you think they’d recognise you now you’ve change so much?

How do you embrace someone you can no longer touch?

How do you put on face and say you’re okay?

How can you ever take this pain away?

How can we be us if you can’t be here?

How can I keep you close when you can’t be near?

How can I show you if you cannot see?

How…

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Endlessly

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Thought this was applicable to all mums not just those of us who are single!

Gingerbread's campaign blog

A poem on being a single parent by Gingerbread supporter and single mum, Tina Davenport.

Tonight I took a mirror, for the first time I could see,
All the people that I am, reflected back at me.
This woman, just a face, but in the eyes they tell a tale,
Of love that’s lost and things that I must be and never fail.

The mother and the father and the healer of young hearts,
Teaching them to fly again when lives were torn apart,
Creator of the safest place and catch them when they fall,
Working late into the night and juggling it all.

By day, the leader of a team, responsible by far.
Conference calls and meetings, rushed commuting in my car,
Fixing what is broken and supporting my own team,
Being full of energy, maintaining self-esteem.

Taxi driver, shopper, hamster-tamer, chef and nurse,
Expert plaster putter-on-er, world’s most…

View original post 301 more words

3 months……

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It’s been 3 months since you died. 3 months. 1/4 of a year. 91 days. 2,191 hours. 231,487 minutes. 7,889,231 seconds. 3 months. That’s just Far. Too. Long.

Every one of those moments I have felt an ache inside me that is indescribable. It’s a physical pain like no other I have ever experienced. An emptiness and loneliness so tangible that it actually hurts. Deep inside. It’s like all my insides have been removed and in their place is a longing for you. A longing to see you one more time, a longing to hold you, to touch you, to speak to you, to love you. Just for one more moment.

I miss you in ways I could not have begun to imagine before you’d gone. It’s these weird ways, that I was completely unprepared for, that often reduce me to a crumbling wreck….like when I can’t find something and think “I’ll just ask……oh no, I can’t” Or when one of the boys are ill and I have to make a decision about what to do on my own. Or if I try to watch a TV programme and you’re not there to ask “who’s that guy?” Or “what’s happening?”

I also miss your physicality. Having someone to touch and hold. Having a kiss last thing at night or first thing in the morning. Having you stroke my hair or arm carelessly whilst we watched a movie. I miss brushing past you in the kitchen as we both busily went about the morning’s necessary jobs. I miss seeing you walk in through the front door after a day at work. I miss seeing your face, your smile, your eyes.

Most of all I miss your love. That unconditional, accepting love that no one else has offered me in quite the same way. The way you loved me just as much when I was sad as when I was happy. The way you continued to love me despite the many times I was grumpy or completely unreasonable. The love that knew all of my secrets and bad habits and didn’t love me despite them but because of them. The love that has seen me safely through the toughest moments of my life. The love that gave much more than it should have had to and asked for less than it deserved.

I also miss your love for other people and the world in general. You passion for those less fortunate than yourself, your commitment to helping others, your drive to do what you could to make the world a slightly better place. You were such a courageous, selfless, generous, thoughtful and loving person. The world is a worse place now you’re not in it. A world in which I feel utterly lost. A world where I am trapped inside a life which is all too familiar and yet completely alien. A world where something vital is now missing.

And yet despite the pain and loss I feel every second of every day, I still go on. I continue to live despite me sometimes feeling I cannot take another breath. I go on out of respect for your memory. I go on for the boys. I go on because that’s what you would want me to do. I go on in the strength that you have empowered me with for the last 11 years. And each day I thank God for letting me share that time with you. I truly did not deserve to have someone as remarkable as you in my life, let alone loving me the wary that you did.

As far as I am aware you have never heard this song but I played it at your cremation and again at the memorial service. I was introduced to it by one of my ‘pocket friends’ and it just seemed so fitting and I knew you would’ve liked it. It’s called “You’re gone” by Diamond Rio.

Families and inlaws

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I was the eldest of 3 (me and 2 brothers) and then my parents adopted 2 girls making me the eldest of 5. My youngest sister is 16 years younger than me. However, I haven’t seen any of my siblings for 11 and 1/2 years. Indeed I am estranged from my entire family-parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. EVERYONE.

And why? Because I did what was right when everyone else wanted to do what was wrong because it was easier for them. But that’s a whole different blog! I miss not having a support network around me, although I do not miss the people that they were.

In effect I am now an orphaned only child. Perhaps that’s why I’ve clung on to my ex-inlaws?! Or maybe it’s because they are an amazing bunch of people who see the good in me (something my own family failed to do). Whatever the reason I’m glad they’re in my life to stay. I now have another child with a new partner but my ex-inlaws welcome and accept my son as he’s part of me and I’ll forever be part of them. They buy him presents which humbles me so much and always brings a tear to my eye.

I now have a new set of inlaws too. Although I have recently been widowed so maintaining contact with them takes effort (both physically and emotionally) on my part (and I guess on theirs). I will ensure I cling onto them as tightly as I clung on to my ex’s. I am sure they will always be a huge part of my life.

So be warned. If I meet your daughter and we get together at some point in the future, please know you’ll never get rid of me!!!!!

This blog was inspired by https://thebreakfastclub2014.wordpress.com/2014/06/25/listening-and-telling-stories/

Feed the birds

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When did it become bad for a duck to eat bread? Feeding the ducks a stale loaf is what childhood visits to parks are all about. It’s what thousands of children for generations have been doing but all of a sudden it’s bad for them?! Really?

I went to a local park today with my friend and our 2 toddler boys. There’s a lake with ducks, geese and other water birds so I’d taken the last few slices of our loaf of bread from home for the boys to throw to the ducks. When we arrived there were signs everywhere saying not to feed bread to ducks. Apparently it’s bad for their health.

As an alternative you could buy a bag of special duck food that the sold for the meagre price of £1 in the little shop. Can me cynical but really….?! Surely this is just a money making ploy?

You could even receive an on the spot fine if caught throwing bread to the ducks. I was quite tempted to do if just to see if they’d fine my son. It’d be quite an achievement to have a criminal record before his 2nd birthday!