So it’s becoming glaringly obvious that we aren’t all that cut out for blogging. But today, after a few months away from here I need a space. Somewhere I can voice a concern, somewhere I can let it all out and not need anybody to see it. I don’t need replies, advice or sympathy. I just need to let it all out.
big one is hurting, he is hurting badly and I have no idea how to help it stop.
he has recently started getting very upset that man shape is working and he doesn’t see him. Now this is nothing new, he has been doing this job since big one was tiny. But the past few weeks he has cried at bedtime because ma shape hasn’t said goodnight. Cried because it’s a ppi claim call not man shape on the phone. He is all of a sudden very upset that he is missing out on his beloved daddy.
It came to a head yesterday when he had an awful day at nursery. He was throwing, shouting, pulling hair and spitting because he told me on the way home he is so angry and so cross daddy is at work.
I was lucky that yesterday I could call man shape home to spend time today with big one. But that isn’t going to be possible all the time.
I just have no idea how to help him. How to get him to understand that hurting others doesn’t make things right.
I’ve spent my day furiously googling ideas on how to help him but everything is basically aimed at parents who won’t be returning, or seperated families. Everything I’ve read on anger doesn’t reflect what he is doing. I feel so lost.
I want to take that hurt away, I want him to understand that daddy loves him more than anything and always comes home and kisses him when he’s asleep. I want to have my baby back. I want my loving little boy who was always happy and kind. But I just don’t know how to get him back.
I sometimes wonder what I did wrong. Was I wrong to work? Should I have dedicated my life to parenting? Would he miss daddy if mummy was there all the time? If I didn’t have small one would he have been happier as the no wouldn’t have to spread my time. I know, I know it’s none of these things but here in the dark they come out.
I wish there was a quick fix. I wish there was something I could say or do just to make everything right. I’m scared. I’m scared that we will get to that point that nursery won’t take him any longer because the way he behaves. I hate the sympathetic smiles from other parents when I’m struggling with my beautiful baby boy and they just breeze past with their children. I just wish we were them. I want this nightmare to end. I need my baby back so much that it hurts.